i just wanna soil my oats bro
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
