70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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