i just wanna soil my oats bro
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
