Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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