mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
