Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
