I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
