There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
