I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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