He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
