I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
