My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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