Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
