Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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