Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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