i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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