What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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