Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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