I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
