I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
