You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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