I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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