it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
