my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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