I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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