You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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