At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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