thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
