I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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