Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
