No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
