So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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