she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
