Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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