You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
