watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
