This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
