If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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