Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
