Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
