I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just threw up on my dentist
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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