My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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