Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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