Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
