I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
