WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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