to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
