I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
