My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
