Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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